he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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