the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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