So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
