you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
