mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize