for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My dick has a subreddit
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
