It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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