I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
