Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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