Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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