If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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