Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
