We won't sleep together?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
