I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
