I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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