haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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