Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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