I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
