Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
