When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
