Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
