Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
