I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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