Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
