Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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