I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
