he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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