My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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