WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Will exercising make me less horny?
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