K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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