1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
