hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
