So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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