So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
