i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
