I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
