Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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