It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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