I wanna bring you to show and tell
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
