how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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