Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The best revenge is premature balding
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
