Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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