Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
