her vagine was all disorganized.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
