When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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