I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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