Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
