i need an iv and a liver transplant
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
