I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
