Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
