I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
