Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
