She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
