I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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