this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
